That “nice” co-worker may be a vicious victim
Q: I’ve got a nice co-worker with overwhelming personal problems. She’s victimized by everyone. No one wants to “blow the whistle” on her because she’d be fired and she’s a single mom. We all feel sorry for her and like her, but we’re tired of doing her work. How do we diplomatically handle this issue?
A: Unfortunately, you and your co-workers have two choices: 1) be victimized by the “victim” and resent her, or 2) feel guilty but let her experience the consequences of her actions. There’s no conflict-free, comfortable third choice!
I question your perception of your co-worker’s “niceness.” Do “nice” people repeatedly make foolish choices? Do “nice” people expect others to do their work? Do “nice” people continually avoid their responsibilities?
It sounds like you’re dealing with what I call a “vicious victim.” These people usually look sweet, vulnerable and like needy puppies. If you have any hero fantasies, these people may look appealing to rescue.
The problem is, the common ingredient in all their victim experiences is their lack of responsibility and blame of others. People who are responsible may also have bad experiences, but they see how they got themselves in hot water. They don’t wander through life expecting other people to sacrifice themselves to save them.
If you actually do believe your co-worker is “nice,” then how are you helping her by acting as if she is incapable? The gift of tough circumstances is that we rise to the occasion because we want to avoid drowning. If you actually care about someone, how does throwing them in a lifeboat teach them to swim? Lastly, do you plan to always be around to provide that lifeboat?
If you care more about protecting your co-worker’s income than your co-worker, how long do you think she’ll keep her job? If she keeps making bad choices and loses her job, is that really the worst thing that could happen to her?
Twelve-step programs warn against “enabling” the addiction of a friend or family member by saving the addict from experiencing the fallout of poor choices. It may seem like a caring gesture to continually provide a soft landing when people jump out a second-story window, but does it teach them about gravity?
Many people think they have to make a choice between taking care of themselves and taking care of others. Your situation is a great example of how a decision that takes care of you is also better for your co-worker.
In the short-term, you and your co-workers will feel guilty that you’ve stopped “enabling” your co-worker. In the long-run, it may be the greatest kindness you can offer her.
The last word(s)
Q: I want to work from home. My boss thinks he needs “face time” from all employees. How do I change his mind?
A: Ask what your boss might value more than “face time,” create a plan to deliver it, and propose a trade-off. If this fails, think again about what he values and try again.
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., is an executive coach, trainer, therapist, speaker and author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). She can be reached by e-mail at interpersonaledge@comcast.net, or at www.interpersonaledge.com. Sorry, no personal replies. To read other Daneen Skube columns, go to www.seattletimes.com/daneenskube