A survival guide for holiday hosting
Joy Robinson learned her lesson about houseguests several years ago when her brother and his family stayed with her for four days, crowding into her 864-square-foot Bellevue condo.
She remembers watching, horrified, as her 9-year-old nephew raced across the living room, jumped onto a chair and toppled into her grandmother’s glass coffee table, shattering it.
She blames herself for not putting the table away or cautioning her nephew. (Her brother and nephew have since fixed the table.)
“It really was my responsibility,” she said. “I didn’t move the table. It was fragile. The place was crowded.”
At any time of the year, hosting guests in your home can be stressful. But during the holidays, in particular, houseguest issues tend to ratchet up as families and personalities intersect, and sometimes collide.
It is possible to have a tranquil Thanksgiving, harmonious Hanukkah and composed Christmas, but etiquette experts say that expectations need to be clear from the start, and being accommodating is part of the deal.
“You obviously can’t pick your mother-in-law or other family members,” said Krissy Tiglias, home editor for TheNest.com, a Web site for the newly married. “If it is your spouse’s family or your family, try to be accommodating. … Try to be mature, considerate and realize it’s the holidays.”
Types of houseguests
We’ve all met The Critic, who can’t stop telling us what’s wrong with you-name-it - dusting, kid discipline, the turkey.
Many of us have hosted Type Needy, who wants entertainment 24-7, then talks until 3 a.m.
The Diva has driven us crazy with high-maintenance demands like vegan or gluten-free food and fresh towels every day.
We’ve all hosted The Oblivious One, who tracks mud on the floor, leaves dishes in the sink and stays longer than welcome.
Then there’s The Imposer, who shows up with no warning with the dog or significant other in tow and needs to be shuttled all over town.
Regardless of who you may be expecting for the holidays or if you plan to be a guest yourself this year, it’s important to realize the visit will be work for everyone, said local etiquette expert and author Mary Mitchell.
“Both sides really have to consider the other side,” she said. “They have to be more than willing to meet somewhere in the middle.”
Granted, much of the responsibility rests in the hard-working host’s hands. Here are some tips to help keep the visit smooth and easy.
Plan ahead
Conflicts such as who will cook the turkey can arise if you don’t talk about it before the visit, Mitchell said. It’s also smart to ask your guests ahead of time about scheduling, activities they’d like to do and food preferences and allergies. If your guests plan to bring their kids, ask about their schedules and preferences as well and let them know your house rules in advance, such as no shoes.
Set boundaries
Make it clear how things work in your house. For example, tell the guest that whoever finishes the coffee pot cleans it and puts it away.
“People respond to clear direction; they really do,” Mitchell said.
Also, remember to take time for yourself if you need a break from the nonstop entertaining schedule. Most guests will appreciate a break, too. If you’re tired, tell them you need to recharge in your room, and keep it inoffensive with a neutral tone of voice, Mitchell said. Offer them alternatives like reading material or maps to see the neighborhood during your down time.
Being direct, in general, is a good strategy.
“If someone’s staying with you, you have a good-enough relationship to be honest, but you don’t have to be rude about it,” Tiglias said.
Handling conflict
If guests still are aggravating despite preplanning and clear boundaries, there are other ways to work around conflict.
Mitchell likes the phrase “that won’t work” instead of saying no. For example, if a guest wants to invite several people to your home to watch a movie, use that phrase and then provide an alternative, like a nearby movie theater or restaurant.
You might suggest a messy guest move her stuff closer to her suitcase so she doesn’t misplace items, or ask a guest to grate carrots instead of making a casserole dish that doesn’t mesh with your meal plan.
Always focus on the solution instead of the problem, Mitchell said. And keep a sense of humor, making fun of your own quirks to keep the atmosphere light.
Guests also should remember to be considerate and tidy. Leave a home cleaner than you found it, including stripping the linens from the bed on your last day. Consider leaving money ($3-$5 per day) and a handwritten note if your hosts employ a housekeeper. Take the host out for entertainment and a meal at least one night, or offer to watch the kids and allow parents a night out by themselves.
“It’s really important to be considerate and not do something you wouldn’t want done to you if you’re hosting,” Tiglias said.
Hosts shouldn’t put too much pressure on themselves, she added. Keep it simple instead of, for example, worrying about gourmet meals.
Regardless of the occasional challenges of hosting, remember ultimately that it is temporary.
“You can always tell yourself, ‘Three days from now this will be a memory,’ ” Mitchell said. “Most of us can live through a few days of discomfort.”
Nicole Tsong: 206-464-2150 or ntsong@seattletimes.com